Basically, there is an H-guy. I will call him Des. Short for
“descendant”, because of where I got his actual name. And there is a girl; I will
call her Eve. [Eve is the girl I talk about in this post.]
In order to get to the next rank as an H-guy, Des, at age
eighteen, has to pass a brutal test. But he refuses to do what the test
requires. [Which, truly, is the right and noble thing to do.] Because of that
refusal, he is kicked out of the H-guys, disowned by his already-disapproving father,
abandoned, shamed, and publicly humiliated.
…And it’s awful.
Several years after that devastating event, Des finds Eve
[then thirteen] and her sister on the streets. He takes them in…but his
intentions are not pure. For two and a half years, he imprisons Eve as his sex slave.
After that time, I was going to have it that H-guys find out
that Des is holding Eve…and they come, kill him, and banish her from the city. Eve
is found by the half-breed group, and eventually becomes good friends with my
main girl. And her experience as Des’s slave enables her to really relate to my
main girl and what she’s been through.
So that is the idea.
And I loved the idea…except for one part --- Des being
killed.
…I am not sure if anyone [except God] fully grasps just how
deeply I did NOT want to kill this guy. Like…I…I mean, I don’t like killing characters
anyway. But after I wrote out his back-story…just…the way I wrote it, the way
his character came out through the little snippet…he broke my heart.
…He completely broke my heart.
When I wrote his back-story, I already knew that I was going
to have him die. I already knew about Eve, and him imprisoning her. …But even
still…I did not want him to die. The thought of killing him made me sick…even
though what he does to Eve is sickening [and deserving of death].
…Yet the part, honestly, the part that was making me the
sickest…was that I was having him die…unredeemed.
…I KNOW that I can’t save everyone, if I want to be
realistic.
I KNOW that people have to die in a book about war.
…And I KNOW that not all of them are going to be redeemed
when they do.
My biggest struggle with killing him…was that he was NOT
irredeemable. By the time he captures Eve…he has just about killed every ounce
of compassion in himself. He is cold, ruthless, and unremorseful. But deeper
than the anger, the pain, the hatred…in a tiny part of himself, the real him
remains. The him who refused to hurt someone very innocent, and lost everything
for it. The real him who hides in the corner of his heart, believing horrible
things about himself…and dying. …But still there.
It wasn’t just that I was having him die unredeemed. It was
that I was having him die unredeemed…when there was hope that he could be redeemed, if he had just some
more time.
He is terrible, no doubt about that. I wrote a part between
him and Eve yesterday, and it almost made me sicker than the inn parts. [If you
can believe that, those of you who have read/heard the inn parts.]
But he is terrible…because, ultimately, he is broken. [Not
an excuse…but a reason.] And in some part of himself, he knows he is broken. He
hates every part of his life, hates what he is doing. He gave up everything to
NOT hurt a little girl…and now there he is, hurting a little girl. He hates
what he has become…but instead of admitting this, he forces the compassion down
deeper. Because in his mind, compassion is what ruined his life.
…Compassion is also what will save his life and heal his
heart. …If he lets it.
…As I said, I realized something yesterday.
Something that makes me happier than you may be able to
understand:
…I don’t know why
the H-guys would kill him.
In their eyes, the only thing he has done wrong…is not turn
Eve [a half-breed] over to them.
But he wasn’t helping her. He wasn’t providing for her. He wasn’t
taking care of her.
…He was exploiting her, using her…abusing her.
And as twisted as it is…the H-guys…actually wouldn’t kill
him for that.
…And not really having a totally solid reason for them to
kill him…frees me to not actually HAVE to kill him.
And…ohmygoshgoshajsldkfjaerlkgJ!!!
I may even have it be that he is the one who lets them know
he has her…and that he lies about when he found her. Makes it seem like he just
found her, trapped her, and went immediately to them. Then they really wouldn’t
have any reason to do…anything to him.
And they, of course, wouldn’t believe anything she said to
the contrary.
And she could still be banished instead of murdered.
I don’t have to have it that he is redeemed in the timeline
of the story, and I won’t. IF he comes into the story, in any part, he can
still be totally unremorseful and unredeemed. I am okay with that. As long as
he is alive, there is hope for him.
…I am so happy right now.
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