Help me hold on

Well.

…Well.

…What to even say.

I feel like a failure right now. I am discouraged, and disheartened, and my heart just…hurts. Aches. The last three-plus weeks of my life have been…have…been…I…don’t really know how to describe it. Awful, yet really good; devastating, yet encouraging. I keep vacillating between hope and joy…and despair and terror. …Yay.

As is probably the case for most writers…since my personal life is such a…whatever it is…my writing life is pretty much matching it.

I have ideas, don’t get me wrong. I just…have been quite consumed by other stuff…and I feel…

Sad.

Guilty.

Ashamed.

Frustrated.

Angry.

Lost.

…I feel lost. So, so lost.

I am so very stuck. I feel like if I could just sit and write…I might be able to work through this block…but I just…can’t. Or don’t. Or won’t. Or something. I don’t know what I am afraid of…I just…I don’t know.

I know that I will come through this; I have been stuck like this at other times, and I have preserved…and the story continues to flow. I KNOW I am meant to write this story.

But at the same time…I am just…indifferent right now. How I could be indifferent, after everything my girl has gone through, after everything I have poured into her…I don’t know. I am just…tired. Emotionally spent. Drained. I feel spiritually assaulted, constantly. I feel like I have to constantly be on my guard…and I am exhausted. My mind is just…I can’t rest for two seconds, because Satan is right there slamming me with all kinds of stuff.

I am constantly pulled toward discouragement, toward fear, toward frustration…toward believing lies. And in my fear to not believe lies, I am believing lies.

…I realize this is not exactly story-related, but…whatever.

I am so stressed…and there is no end in sight. My head --- which always hurts --- has been killing me lately. My work schedule feels more insane than usual, and even when I have time to write, I just…don’t. I have lost the fire, the drive…the need. I feel…diminished. Detached. I am just stumbling along, trying to get through one day after another…

…I can’t even…none of this even comes close to really capturing my feelings.

I don’t want to think. Thinking hurts my head…and my mind is just…spinning, constantly. Trying to not think about certain things, trying to focus on other things…and it is just…weary.

…I am weary. Weary regarding everything. My personal life…my story.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t know if I even could give up entirely. But I don’t know how to keep holding on. I am so tired. My legs are failing, my arms are failing…my heart is failing.

God, help me hold on.