First, an update:
FebNo is going mostly well, though I am not being as
consistent and disciplined as I need to be. I keep slacking off because I am ahead,
relying on that cushion of extra words.
Maybe I should up it a bit, challenge myself more. Make it
so I truly cannot slack off, even for a day, or else I’m in trouble. But would
that just cause unnecessary stress? …Blah.
But anywho.
Nearly everything I’ve written recently has been back-story
stuff. (I have done actual story parts, but they are much smaller by
comparison.) And while back-story is super fun, and necessary, and I love
learning about other characters…I really need to focus on my
actual story. (Hear that, Angie? YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON THE ACTUAL STORY!!)
I am just sort of stuck, I suppose – and I don’t know how to
get unstuck. It is kind of that same old thing – I am so used to my girl being
in the inn that I don’t know how to write anything else. Even the parts of the
story where she is out, it just…I don’t know. I guess I am romanticizing the writing
of the inn part, remembering it as flowing so easily – when in reality, I struggled
immensely with it. I mean, it didn’t take me over two years to write fifteen
chapters for no reason! (I did work
on other parts of the story during that time, but still.)
Ooh, let’s have the inn be a front for a brothel.
…Worst. Idea. Ever.
And best idea. One of my most favorite ideas.
But a terrible idea.
…But I digress.
She is with people now.
And I have very little idea of how those people operate.
I need to just read back through the last few chapters of
book one, and THEN go into book two.
I am just being lazy.
ANYWAY.
Not. Even. What. I want. To talk. About.
Here is one of my biggest struggles at the moment: That one
guy. I call him Fave. You can read about him here.
I am struggling to see him as bad.
Especially in light of this other guy (solely from
back-story stuff), Des. (You can read about him here.)
I have brought this up before, but seriously – I am
struggling. To the point that I have halfway considered having DES be the one
that comes back into the story (but that doesn’t work for a myriad of reasons;
largely because he is not a part of my main girl’s story at all, but her friend’s).
That I could even think of that, I hope, shows the depth of
the struggle. Because I LOVE Fave. I am so in love with that character. Like, I
can’t even contain myself.
But the struggle is this: His worst offenses are not against
my main girl. He does bad things to her, yes, but the WORST stuff – she merely
hears about it, sees the effects of it. She doesn’t LIVE it. And so we, the
readers, don’t live it either. (I mean, unless you read the back-story stuff;
but it is called “back”-story for a reason – you don’t read it alongside the
actual story.)
And therein is the struggle.
How do I make him terrible? How do I make him struggle? How do I make him
irrevocably dark and horrible and unforgivable?
How do I make him tormented when, in reality, up until the
point of his conversion – he wasn’t tormented?
His offense against my main girl was not PERSONAL.
He didn’t trick her, didn’t betray her, didn’t abandon her.
He came, it was her, and that’s just how it was.
He didn’t choose her, didn’t give her any reason to believe she
could trust him.
Des, however – his offense (again, detailed in back-stories)
against my main girl’s friend was intensely
personal.
He did trick, did betray, did abandon – among with a
thousand other things.
He did choose her, and he gave her many reasons to believe
she could trust him.
He manipulated her, and then presented a choice that was not
really a choice.
Fave is self-righteous, a liar, a murderer, a rapist, and utterly
brainwashed. He knows he’s right, that he’s good, and that he’s doing what he should
do.
Des is arrogant, a liar, a rapist, and utterly tormented. He
doesn’t fully believe he’s right or good, and he is conflicted over what he
should do.
Whose darkness is deeper?
I’m tempted to say Des’s, just because of the ruthlessness of
his actions – but ultimately, it isn’t true.
As far gone as Des seems, there is still something in him
that doesn’t want to be bad. There is
still a desire for something else, still a conscience, deep in his heart. He is
walking in darkness, and part of him knows it – but he sees no way out. He
keeps trying to convince himself that he’s fine, that he’s justified – but the
rest of him knows it isn’t true.
But Fave’s conscience is seared, silent. He is convinced that
he is good – and not just good, but one of the best. He is walking in darkness,
fully deceived and believing that it is light. Of the two, he is truly more
lost – for he can’t even acknowledge that he is lost. Des, at least, knows that
he is screwing up. In Fave’s mind, he is not screwing up at all.
…So what happens when Fave realizes how lost he is? When he
comes face-to-face with his own darkness? When he sees the devastation he has
wrought upon the world?
I just…I don’t know. I don’t know how to see him as…whatever
he needs to be in this story.
I guess I need to just delve more into Fave’s character, his
past, everything with him.
I know who Des is; I need to figure out exactly who Fave is.
Sigh.
