Much of my story will deal with
the concept of sowing and reaping. Closely connected to that is the subject of choices
and compromise: small yesses (yes’s?) that at one time were seemingly
insignificant. Several of my characters find themselves in situations they
never planned on, never would have chosen. But it happened slowly, little yes
by little yes. It’s a subtle silencing of one’s conscience, a split-second
decision between two seemingly identical paths.
Jehur starts out wanting good
things for good reasons. But deep brokenness and a thirst for approval steer
him toward compromise. The first little “yes” was a pinprick in his heart, a
moment where he felt a twinge of guilt. The second time didn’t affect him as
much. By the time he’s the age he is in the story, his conscience is seared. He
no longer feels guilt – not for killing people, not for doing whatever it takes
to get ahead, not for following unspeakable orders, not for going to a brothel
and doing awful things to an innocent girl there. It takes horror to awaken him
to the horrible person he’s become, and when he finally sees the truth of
himself, he is shattered. And determined to set things right.
Mas doesn’t compromise, but willfully
chooses his path. He is driven by anger and brokenness, but he knows exactly
what he’s becoming. He just doesn’t care. In his eyes, the end justifies the
means, and vengeance, power, and brutality are all he seeks. Horror awakens him
as well, breaks something in him, but his personality remains. His beliefs
remain. He still wants the same things; his target has simply switched. But now,
he also cares. With each decision he
makes knowing it will hurt people, it cuts deeper and deeper into a thawing
heart. And he lets it soften him.
Sorek teeters on the edge of
compromise. He has removed himself from his past, but it lingers, threatening
to overwhelm him if he ever lets his guard down. So he remains locked up tight,
laughing to distract himself even as he feels the darkness creeping closer. He wants
to be good. Yet in order to stand against evil, he feels his actions must often
be evil. He hasn’t grasped the truth that hatred cannot drive out hatred, only
love can. With each step he takes toward that darker path, each time he kills
in the same brutal fashion as those he is killing, the more he questions who he
really is. What he really is. How different he is from the people he’s fighting,
or if he’s actually any different at all. And he’s just sacrificial enough to allow
himself to be consumed by darkness, as long as it sets others free.
Rab also teeters on the edge.
After years of protecting her sister from their abusive mother, the anger and
pain has built up almost to a breaking point. In a moment of rage, she makes a
decision. One that has been a long time coming, one she’s threatened and
entertained in her head for years. She feels justified. In some ways, maybe she
is. But in the aftermath, the weight slowly begins to crush her, to push her
toward that cliff of no return.
Sometimes it’s not a gradual
thing; sometimes it’s one moment that affects everything after it. The choice
to drive drunk. The choice to talk to that person. The choice to turn left
instead of right. The choice not to go there. The choice to withdraw from a loved
one. The choice to lie. The choice to run. The choice to go home. The choice to
pursue.
Yet even within those, it is often
a culmination of the choices before it.
The point is, we never know
where one “yes” may take us.
Ari learns this the hard way when
she places trust in someone who seems trustworthy, but isn’t. Little compromises
don’t throw her into hell, a choice borne of desperation and innocence does. It
is a combination of a ruthless manipulator and a terrified young girl in need
of help. It is the decision to stay instead of run, the decision to trust instead
of question.
If she knew what awaited her
there, she would have fled. But she didn’t realize. Didn’t know the gravity of
that moment. Just like many of us don’t see the end result of our little
yesses. Sometimes the path that veers to the edge of a cliff looks a lot like
the path that leads to a fertile valley.
Be mindful of what you choose.
And know that it’s not too late
to turn around.
As long as your heart is still
beating and you are still breathing, there is hope. There is a chance.
It starts with one little “yes.”