Wow. It’s been a while. Sorry.
And this isn’t going to be an alphabet post. Sorry. This is more important.
I got a tattoo today. It’s not a
bad tattoo, but it isn’t what I wanted or envisioned.
My mom tells me I always come
across very sure of what I want, picky even, exacting and unsatisfied until
something is exactly as I want. (With tattoos, haircuts, etc.)
Ha. If only I were truly that strong
in myself.
Truth is, I’m a pushover. If I
feel like I’m being annoying, I back down. For the sake of not feeling like a
burden, for the sake of peace, for the sake of not being one of “those” people,
I cave. I want to avoid conflict. I don’t want to be seen as pushy, demanding,
or controlling. In this case, I agreed to something when my gut screamed, “NO!
NO, this is NOT okay! Yes, it looks good, but NO, it is NOT what you want!
STOP!”
I didn’t stop it. I agreed. I
said it looked good. I tried to be open to someone else’s interpretation of a design that I wanted done exactly like the original.
So now I have this tattoo. It’s
on my back, which is good, and it’s pretty, which is also good. I’m quite
positive it is fixable, which is very good. It won’t ever be exactly as I wanted, but it can be
much closer. (And I can always get the actual original somewhere else. :P )
Because here’s the thing. I’m
writing this story about these two sisters: Rab and Ari. Rab is fierce,
passionate, and determined. She stands for
what she believes. Even when she’s scared to death, she stands. Ari, however, is beaten down. She’s timid. She doesn’t
express an opinion. She tiptoes around on eggshells, doing or saying whatever necessary to keep the peace. She lives under guilt, shame, and fear.
I want to be like Rab. But, truth be told, I am far more like Ari.
No more. I don’t know how I’m
going to do it, but I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not putting up with being
pushed around, whether the person intends to do it or not.
I will stand. I will be strong. Because
THIS is what marks a strong character and a strong human: being yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you to fit their mold. Allowing the real you to shine forth. Period.
Rab is in me. She is the real
me. The Ari in me is exactly like the Ari in the story: beaten down by fear,
believing lies about herself, convinced she’s worthless and weak and has no
voice.
Rab has her issues in the story;
by no means am I saying she’s perfect or always right. She’s wrong often. She
can be a total b*tch.
But one thing she does well is stand.
I admire her for it. I wish I could be that way.
The only thing stopping me is me.
So I’m done being a pushover. I’m
done shrinking back in fear.
I will stand. Whether I stand alone, whether I stand in the middle of a battlefield with enemies all around, I WILL STAND. For in that, is true freedom.
And I’m getting this tattoo
fixed, one way or another. :P
